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The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9… Read more

A new Vacuum Cleaner salesman knocked at the door…. A lady opened it. Before she could speak… The salesman rushed into the living room and emptied a bag of cow shit on the carpet. Salesman: If I couldn't clean this up in the next 3 mins with my new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this shit! Lady: Do you need Ketchup with that? Salesman: But why ? Lady: Because there's no electricity in the house! A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very Quiet. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father… Read more

Mostly, origin unknown... otherwise, provided! :) I don’t regret my past; I just regret the time I’ve wasted with the wrong people. What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth. Age is just a number. Yeah, and jail is just a room. God, give me patience, because if you give me strength, I just might punch somebody. "Did I Ask You?" "No" "Then Shut Up." (Personal fav) What you put up with, you end up with! The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have! Don't create drama out of your own insecuriti… Read more

One of my favourite poems Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message, He is Dead, Put crépe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song, I thought that love would last forever: 'I was wrong'… Read more

Réponses d'élèves de primaire à un examen de français!!! 1-Dans la phrase 'Le voleur a volé les pommes', où est le sujet? Réponse: 'En prison.' 2-Le futur du verbe ' je baille ' est ? Réponse: 'je dors'. 3-Que veux dire l'eau potable? Réponse: 'C'est celle que l'on peut mettre dans un pot'.(tout à fait juste!) 4-Qu'est-ce qu'est un oiseau migrateur? Réponse : ' C'est celui qui ne peut que se gratter la moitié du dos'. 5-Quoi faire la nuit pour éviter les moustiques? Réponse: 'Il faut dormir avec un mousquetaire'. 6-À quoi sert la peau de la vache? Réponse:… Read more

Goddess of truth and justice I WILL CONTROL MY THOUGHTS I WILL CONTROL MY ACTIONS I WILL HAVE DEVOTION OF PURPOSE I WILL HAVE FAITH IN THE ABILITY OF THE MASTER TO TEACH THE TRUTH I WILL HAVE FAITH IN MY ABILITY TO ASSIMILATE THE TRUTH I WILL HAVE FAITH IN MY ABILITY TO WIELD THE TRUTH I WILL BE FREE FROM RESENTMENT UNDER THE EXPERIENCE OF PERSECUTION I WILL BE FREE FROM RESENTMENT UNDER THE EXEPERIENCE OF WRONG DOING I WILL CULTIVATE THE ABILITY TO DISTINGUISH RIGHT FROM WRONG I WILL CULTIVA… Read more

I received this in my mail and it cracked me up. Yeah, absolutely, I want a real friend like that. :D Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces here - just the stone cold truth of our friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you s… Read more

. These are the things people actually said in courts, taken down and published by court reporters - who suffered the torment of trying to keep straight faces while these exchanges were taking place. Some of these are excellent; don't miss the last one. Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memor… Read more

- One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. - A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, " Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." - Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband… Read more

A GIRL'S PRAYER Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I want a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's willy's thick and long. One who thinks before he speaks, One who calls, and won't wait weeks. I pray that he's not unemployed, So when I blow his cash, he's not annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man, who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big is my behind?" One who'll make love t… Read more

Beside its sexual connotation, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations: Greetings: "How the fuck are you?" Fraud: "I got fucked by the car dealer." Dismay: "Oh, fuck it!" Trouble: "Well, I guess I'm fucked now." Aggression: "Fuck you!" Disgust: "Fuck me." Confusion: "What the fuck...?" Difficulty: "I don't understand this fucking business." Despair: "Fucked again." Incompetence: "He fucks up everything." Displeasure: "What the fuck is going on here?" Lost: "Where the fuck are we?" Disbelief: "Unfuckingbelievable!" Retaliatio… Read more

How To Shower Like a Woman 1. Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. 3. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 4. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. 5. Get in the shower. 6. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 7. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vi… Read more

When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend, And then I started to become a woman. And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up, God would show you the best in many friends. One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man. Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom. Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your c***dren and their activities. Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt,… Read more

A. A. A. D. D. --- Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take o… Read more

I was revisiting my old e-mails and found this adorable piece. I hope you enjoy its ingenuity as much as I did! :) If you need a laugh, then read these c***dren Science Exam answers. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant and… Read more

I had some free time, so what did I do? I checked the computer to see if I'd heard from you! Checking my messages is always fun! I usually get a joke or greeting from someone. I feel so blessed because on the other end, I know I've connected with a friend! When I've had a hard day and need to share, Here I can find a friend who will listen and care. And to this friend I hope I've let them know That I am always there for them also! Isn't it a strange kind of bond… Read more

1. I believe in God. I think the problem was never in any of the religions themselves, but rather in men, how they perceive, interpret and practice these religions. 2. I believe we were all created equal, free and with dignity. No human has the right to take that away from another human. 3. I cannot live without reading, movies, or music. 4. Only humans know the word “abuse” with all its meanings. Sometimes these meanings seem not enough so they invent new ones. 5. I have very easy tears. Any thought, scene, feeling, word, you name it, that celebrates nature, human endeavor/suc… Read more

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be… Read more

A Sagittarius woman lacks tact and her flat, on-the-face statements may make you feeling like running away from her. Then, suddenly, she will say something so charming that you will feel as if you are on the seventh heaven. There, you go again! You will be trapped in her charm once more. Once you have been enamored by a Sagittarius girl, you will be staying with her for a long time. She is pleasant, friendly, outspoken and very talkative. Her forthrightness comes form the fact that she has no illusions about the world… Read more