About

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a spatula and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I know the exact location of every item in the supermarket. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy & I am the subject of numerous documentaries. Once, I spoke with Elvis. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I bat 400.