Ten Things I Hate About Porn! (Isolation Rant)

Well, as the above title states the following is a list, in no particular order, of ten things I hate about porn...

Thanks to ubig_geek for his post which inspired me to do this one. You can find it here: https://xhamster.com/posts/9933823

And thanks to the coronavirus for locking me up in my house for almost a month and sending me gently out of my mind. The result of which is the post you are about to read... so enjoy my ranty madness! ;P



One.

Too Many Close-ups!

Oi... Camera person! Change the bloody angle now and again instead of just staying on the same hairy sweaty taint shot for half an hour!
I have no idea what the girl looks like but I could pick this fuckers balls out of a police line-up of a hundred others!




Two.

POV's:

I've said it before and I shall say it again. POV porn is Shite. Pish. Absolute fucking wank... Not a sexy angle in sight. Where is the girl!? All I see is shaky iphone footage of what appears to be the raw meat counter at Tesco and a pair of shrivelled hairy balls jiggling around for 20 minutes... Stop it!




Three.

Too Much Ass Slapping:

While I am certainly not adverse to an occasional short sharp cheeky spank upon a lady's pert plump posterior... It seems every single porn video now would be incomplete without the constant aggressive and repetitive Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! aaallll the way through it... Enough already with the fake macho bollocks you twats! Can I not just simply enjoy the shapely beauty of a woman's firm round creamy derriere without seeing some fuckwit's bright red monkey hand print stamped on there like a produce sticker on a fucking melon!?




Phwar.

Throating:

The fuck!? I mean... c'mon! You're not a plumber mate and your cock is not a roto rooter... You're not unblocking a drain. Seriously. If you want to see a woman with bloodshot red eyes, mascara dribbling down her face and puking and drooling like a toddler, just hang around outside a Wetherspoons at chucking out time!




Five.

Female pornstars who constantly shriek "Fuck me! Fuck me harder! Fucking fuck that fucking fuck you Fuck!" - I mean... I know it's porn and not Shakespeare, Shaw or Shelley... but for fuck's sake come up with some better dialogue!




Six.

Male pornstars who constantly grunt "Fuckin' yeah! You fuckin' like that? Fuckin' love getting your fuckin' fuck fucked you fucketty fuck Fuck?!" - Jesus intercoursing christ... Does anyone in porn speak human anymore?




Seven.

Hair Pulling:

More stupid macho shit... And they don't know how to fucking do it right either. Allow an accredited porn legend and a gorgeous lesbian comedienne to demonstrate the correct way to manually manipulate the protein filament protuberances located around the cranial area...
https://xhamster.com/videos/nina-hartley-and-kate-mckinnon-9301982




Ate.

Whatever the fuck this is:

What. The. Blue. Arsed. Fuck.




Nine.

Inc*st Porn:

Do I really need to explain?




Ten.

When the camera cuts to a shot of the guy's face before he cums:

Ugh! A notoriously off-putting trademark of 70's and 80's porn but still prevalent in modern times (talkin' about you Bang Bros!). Seriously... nothing destroys a boner quicker or surer than a close up shot of some scrawny tattooed fucking meth head gurning away like a tractor just ran over his foot... God help you if you cum whilst staring at this:

Auuugggggghhhaaaauuuwwwkk! Kill it! Kill it with Fire!



And there you have it. I could add way more to this list but instead I open it up to you, fellow denizens of the hamster wheel, to chime in with your own irritations and loathings regarding this most abundant of groinally abusing and wrist-exercising audio visual art forms. What in porn puts the limp in your meat truncheon or dries out your minge like an old brillo pad? ;)