My post about the really bad years...
The last few months have been some of the best in my life. I have been to great parties, made new friends (here and offline), work has been going well, saw my brother wed the perfect woman for him, saw my parents for the first time in weeks, and most recently I took a lover who I met here on xham. It hasn't always been this way and the cynic in me says it can't last forever, but I am so much happier than I was only a few years ago...
What I am posting here is not sexy, nice or fun. It's the opposite of that, (it's the opposite of me) it's what I used to be for a time. If you dont want to read about that don't go any further, I don't like it either but I need to rid myself of this baggage somehow. I don't want to give out personal details but I will make this a true as i can.
If you are in a dark place now I hope this might help you...
In the last year I lived with my parents I developed a serious problem with booze and loneliness. My parents were gone a lot and drinking with my few friends turned into drinking alone and that turned into getting drunk alone. I was still suppressing my bisexuality then and was feeling guilty about watching gay porn, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. Work was going badly then (high strung and abusive boss), my parents were pressuring me to move out, my car and most of my other possessions were either breaking down or broken, and the few friends i had then were kind of distant, not the sort of people you bring serious problems to. At this point you might think I would try something dramatic...coming out, running away from it all or suicide, but this isn't a story, it's my past. I just became sort of numb, I didn't really care about anything at that point I just went through the motions. Do this to keep family happy, do that to keep car running, do the other thing to keep money in the bank, drink booze to keep the pain away. I had a few rules though, I NEVER drove drunk and I NEVER let anyone know how i felt.
I bought my own place and moved out, then the economy turned downwards and I found myself with not only the problems I mentioned before, but a mortgage to pay on top of them, a shaky position at work, and all the pains in the ass that come with keeping a home running. Then I was scammed out of several hundred dollars... This on top of my long standing depression was too much, I felt like a failure at life. I locked myself in my garage with a muscle car I had bought a few years before (the only real luxury I had allowed myself) started it up and fell asleep behind the wheel...almost fell asleep.
(This gets melodramatic here but it's true, hard not to sound melodramatic about this sort of thing.)
I didn't really want to die, I just wanted attention and this was a bad way to do it. I knew that. I shut off the car, aired out the garage and swore that I would never try something like that again. The last few years before that day had been a big blank. I was not even living life then, it was basically suicide by time...live long enough and you will die... It was a turning point for me. Whatever happens, I would rather live life and fail at it miserably than quit and never see what could have been. I still didn't care much then, but I wanted to live my life and try to have some fun. I started going out with friends more, loosened up and got laid (straight), threw some parties at my house, made more friends and grew closer to my old friends...It sounds cliche I know... but even though they (probably) don't know it my friends broke my depression and made me happy again. I still drink more than is good for me, but I mostly do it with friends instead of alone. I've been mostly content with who I am for the last few years and only recently decided to let the most long denied part of me run free, my sexuality.
I'm bi, I admit it and I love it. I wish I could come out but my family would disown me, I would be "laid off" (read: fired nicely) from my job, and I would probably be as depressed as I was before. I'm a realist, if I like my life I can't come out. But there are others like me who want a discreet friend with benefits and I found one...
If you have read this far thank you! I have carried this emotional baggage for a long time... If you are feeling numb to the world, cum back to us. I did.
What I am posting here is not sexy, nice or fun. It's the opposite of that, (it's the opposite of me) it's what I used to be for a time. If you dont want to read about that don't go any further, I don't like it either but I need to rid myself of this baggage somehow. I don't want to give out personal details but I will make this a true as i can.
If you are in a dark place now I hope this might help you...
In the last year I lived with my parents I developed a serious problem with booze and loneliness. My parents were gone a lot and drinking with my few friends turned into drinking alone and that turned into getting drunk alone. I was still suppressing my bisexuality then and was feeling guilty about watching gay porn, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. Work was going badly then (high strung and abusive boss), my parents were pressuring me to move out, my car and most of my other possessions were either breaking down or broken, and the few friends i had then were kind of distant, not the sort of people you bring serious problems to. At this point you might think I would try something dramatic...coming out, running away from it all or suicide, but this isn't a story, it's my past. I just became sort of numb, I didn't really care about anything at that point I just went through the motions. Do this to keep family happy, do that to keep car running, do the other thing to keep money in the bank, drink booze to keep the pain away. I had a few rules though, I NEVER drove drunk and I NEVER let anyone know how i felt.
I bought my own place and moved out, then the economy turned downwards and I found myself with not only the problems I mentioned before, but a mortgage to pay on top of them, a shaky position at work, and all the pains in the ass that come with keeping a home running. Then I was scammed out of several hundred dollars... This on top of my long standing depression was too much, I felt like a failure at life. I locked myself in my garage with a muscle car I had bought a few years before (the only real luxury I had allowed myself) started it up and fell asleep behind the wheel...almost fell asleep.
(This gets melodramatic here but it's true, hard not to sound melodramatic about this sort of thing.)
I didn't really want to die, I just wanted attention and this was a bad way to do it. I knew that. I shut off the car, aired out the garage and swore that I would never try something like that again. The last few years before that day had been a big blank. I was not even living life then, it was basically suicide by time...live long enough and you will die... It was a turning point for me. Whatever happens, I would rather live life and fail at it miserably than quit and never see what could have been. I still didn't care much then, but I wanted to live my life and try to have some fun. I started going out with friends more, loosened up and got laid (straight), threw some parties at my house, made more friends and grew closer to my old friends...It sounds cliche I know... but even though they (probably) don't know it my friends broke my depression and made me happy again. I still drink more than is good for me, but I mostly do it with friends instead of alone. I've been mostly content with who I am for the last few years and only recently decided to let the most long denied part of me run free, my sexuality.
I'm bi, I admit it and I love it. I wish I could come out but my family would disown me, I would be "laid off" (read: fired nicely) from my job, and I would probably be as depressed as I was before. I'm a realist, if I like my life I can't come out. But there are others like me who want a discreet friend with benefits and I found one...
If you have read this far thank you! I have carried this emotional baggage for a long time... If you are feeling numb to the world, cum back to us. I did.
9 years ago
I must say: I've greatly enjoyed our chats here on xHam, and I agree that it can be a far more beneficial force than some of the nay-sayers claim. I'm glad you decided to break out and make contact.