Jokes 6
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old dog.
“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, this dog is trained to grab private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof first, then shoot the dog.”
A Husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor. His Wife gets him up and cleans everything.
Next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him. He braces for a fight, but finds a note near the table.
"Honey, your favorite breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I'll come running back to you, my love. I love you.
Surprised, he asks his son, "What happened last night?"
The Son replies, "When mom got you up to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt. You were dead drunk and you said,
"Hey Lady! Leave Me Alone. I'm Married!"
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confis**te it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
One day Kyle’s dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, ‘Son why are you late from school?’ Kyle answered, ‘Dad, we had extra classes today’. Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, ‘Son this rob ot is special in that it can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth. Why are you late?’ ‘Dad, I went to a movie’ ‘Which movie?’ ‘The Ten Commandments’ Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the ! robot. ‘Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen’.
‘Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved’ Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle’s mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, ‘After all he is YOUR son !’ To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle’s mother a resounding slap on her face !
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the c***d's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the c***d's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered,
''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad making out with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old dog.
“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, this dog is trained to grab private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof first, then shoot the dog.”
A Husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor. His Wife gets him up and cleans everything.
Next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him. He braces for a fight, but finds a note near the table.
"Honey, your favorite breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries. I'll come running back to you, my love. I love you.
Surprised, he asks his son, "What happened last night?"
The Son replies, "When mom got you up to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt. You were dead drunk and you said,
"Hey Lady! Leave Me Alone. I'm Married!"
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms.
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confis**te it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
One day Kyle’s dad brought home a robot. The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face. Kyle returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, ‘Son why are you late from school?’ Kyle answered, ‘Dad, we had extra classes today’. Much to his astonishment the robot jumped up and slapped Kyle on his face.
His dad told him, ‘Son this rob ot is special in that it can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied. Now come on tell me the truth. Why are you late?’ ‘Dad, I went to a movie’ ‘Which movie?’ ‘The Ten Commandments’ Immediately, Kyle got a slap on the face from the ! robot. ‘Sorry Dad, I went to see the movie Sex Queen’.
‘Shame on you son, when I was your age I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved’ Immediately, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing the last sentence, Kyle’s mother comes walking out of the kitchen and sarcastically says to her husband, ‘After all he is YOUR son !’ To which the robot steps up and gives Kyle’s mother a resounding slap on her face !
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the c***d's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the c***d's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered,
''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.'' ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny. ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad. ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad making out with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''
10 years ago
