Why black men? A few thoughts on black men and sis

To give a full answer to that question would be to know myself probably better than I do. There must be all sorts of reasons floating about in my subconscious that would take years to tease out. And what difference would it make if I understood the nature of the attraction? However, I think I can find a few reasons as to why I respond to black guys so passionately.

I grew up in Ireland where I am pretty certain I did not see a black person until my mid-teens. They just weren't there! There was an Indian community and the sons attended the same school as I but Indians, charming and beautiful though they may be, did not worm their way into my erotic consciousness.

My home-town was a port so foreign navies did dock there and the US navy was fairly often in town. Then I saw a few black faces. Sailors for me seemed to lead lives of such glamour - traveling the world - and I did find the uniform very much of a turn-on. But black sailors seemed even more exotic and enchanted and it is there that the first seeds of my obsession were planted.

Leaving Ireland for London I began to meet black guys socially and I will confess that I felt shy in their presence. They seemed to have an amazing self-confidence which for me was then, and still is now, just about the sexiest attribute one can have. I was so consumed with self doubt about who I was or what image I was projecting that these men with their casual, easy sexuality seemed to represent everything I was not.

Sex with a black man clinched it - faced with my uncertain fumblings, he would take charge and I knew I could relax into his certainties. Through my encounters with black guys I have become hugely more confident myself - but I do feel I will never achieve that totally natural sense of living fully in my own skin that black men seem to do in theirs.

Their masculinity finds its polarity in my sissiness. The sissy is someone who is generally despised by men, both straight and gay, but I have found that black men are more inclined to enjoy the essence of femininity that the sissy strives for. There is a sense in which no woman is as feminine as the sissy and it is my belief that certain straight black guys are so in thrall to notions of the feminine that they are more than happy to embrace it in the sissy as well as in genetic girls.

Sissies dress as women no longer seem to dress these days - they love the straps and hooks and frills and flounces that the majority of women have forsaken. As such the sissy can appeal to a fetish side of men and no men seem so taken with ultra femininity than black guys.

But I guess the most compelling reason - and I know it is politically incorrect to express it - is that as a tv and sissy I have a rather pre-feminist notion of femininity - I like gender polarity. The idea of the strong man, yielding woman has been smashed into the ground - but I think it lives on in the sissy. And the sissy, in searching for that strong man, has tended to iconise the black male as the epitome of strong, confident masculinity, thus providing a strong contrast with the white, compliant effeminate sissy.