Tell her about it
One of the things I love about chatting on here is the opportunity it presents to find out what people really get up to, behind closed doors.
It has made me realise, for instance, that some sexual activities that I once considered ‘kinky’ are, in fact, practised by (or at least fantasised about by) far more people than you might think (check out our previous posts for examples). So you need not have any hang-ups about pursuing them.
Another discovery I have made is about porn use. From chatting to various people on here, it seems that lots of Xhamster users’ partners somehow disapprove of porn - to the extent that many of the people here (and reading this) are viewing it in secret - and wanking in secret.
That’s such a shame because porn is such a positive factor in our sex life, and if you are in a relationship too, surely masturbation should be something you are enjoying together.
I use porn as a wanking aid, whenever my wife, J, isn’t in the mood for an orgasm herself. Let’s face it: in no relationship are appetites perfectly matched, and why deprive yourself of sexual satisfaction if one of you is not up for it tonight?
Years ago, I made it clear to J that I would like to masturbate when she wasn’t interested in having an orgasm herself. It’s good for me, it takes the pressure off her to satisfy me when she really isn’t in the mood, and we have no regrets or unfulfilled longings.
I also found it was good for the relationship for one of us to take the lead and effectively declare that there is no shame to be felt about sex in general and masturbation in particular. It’s natural, it’s fun and it’s perfectly normal for a man to want to do it (every day if necessary), so why make it private or secret?
So I wank openly to porn, usually in bed, right next to J. If she doesn’t want an orgasm too, I either continue on my own, or she helps me to orgasm by gentle and loving licking and/or kissing and/or stroking. It’s a lovely solution, and we both go to sleep satisfied.
But there is another positive that porn has brought to our relationship in recent months. To be honest, although J has never had any problem with me enjoying porn, she has never really been a fan herself, and hardly watched it over the years. But I told her that it was a shame that I end up watching it on my own, and we should start trying to enjoy it together - as foreplay and as an added factor in the fun. So we have been giving it a try.
And what I have also discovered is that if we shamelessly watch more hardcore porn together, it can be an extra turn-on. The reason for that is hard to explain, but it is something similar to the pleasure of a woman talking dirty. J has never been very good at that, but when she watches filthy porn with me, it makes up for all those times I wished she had had something filthy to say.
So I have to say that porn has been an overwhelmingly positive in our (36-year) marriage, and I haven’t even touched, yet, on how it has given us great ideas. And it has given us both licence to pursue those ‘kinky’ fantasies, by showing us that whatever practice we are thinking of trying, it is not necessarily as ‘kinky’, weird or way-out as we thought.
One of the reasons that J wasn’t into porn - and I guess this will apply to a lot of women - is it often includes a lesbian element, and that is not something she enjoys, fantasies over or would ever do. But when we talked about watching together, I emphasised how much of what I like to watch - group sex, threesomes, hardcore bondage and bi-curious - are (like lesbian sex) also things that we will never do, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy watching other people do them.
I also explained that while porn at its most basic level is simply an unsophisticated wank aid, there is more to it than that, and part of its appeal is its life-enhancing quality. You can choose to watch a violent TV programme or film in which people treat each other cruelly, or you can choose to watch porn in which people are giving themselves immense pleasure - and it makes no sense if you are watching the former openly and the latter in secret.
By watching it in secret and wanking alone, you only endorse the idea that it is wrong and something to be ashamed of. If you did watch porn and wank openly, not only would you enjoy masturbation more, but I also believe that the message that you are sending out - about not being ashamed - will help your partner be less inhibited about sex too, which could have massive benefits.
I still cannot say that J will ever find watching porn a great pleasure (although DP porn, in particular, she finds fascinating!), but she can see how it is enhancing our sex life, as well as providing me with regular and often deep pleasure.
So you can see why I think men who aren’t enjoying porn in the company of their female partners are missing out.
Finally: we have absolutely no secrets in our sex life, and it’s amazing how honesty and openness helps every aspect of your relationship. Frankly, we don’t see how you can build a partnership if any part of it has to be conducted out of sight of the other person.
I know what some people are thinking: their partner disapproves of porn and would never accept it. But surely it’s your choice, and hiding away what you really want from life is not going to solve anything in the long run. And if she really disapproves, perhaps it is time to point out the potential that porn has for bringing you together and making you both happier.
As I said above, there is much to gain by grasping the nettle and admitting you would like a little extra sexual pleasure by using porn, and using it openly. So tell her about it. You may just find it is the path to massive sexual joy.
It has made me realise, for instance, that some sexual activities that I once considered ‘kinky’ are, in fact, practised by (or at least fantasised about by) far more people than you might think (check out our previous posts for examples). So you need not have any hang-ups about pursuing them.
Another discovery I have made is about porn use. From chatting to various people on here, it seems that lots of Xhamster users’ partners somehow disapprove of porn - to the extent that many of the people here (and reading this) are viewing it in secret - and wanking in secret.
That’s such a shame because porn is such a positive factor in our sex life, and if you are in a relationship too, surely masturbation should be something you are enjoying together.
I use porn as a wanking aid, whenever my wife, J, isn’t in the mood for an orgasm herself. Let’s face it: in no relationship are appetites perfectly matched, and why deprive yourself of sexual satisfaction if one of you is not up for it tonight?
Years ago, I made it clear to J that I would like to masturbate when she wasn’t interested in having an orgasm herself. It’s good for me, it takes the pressure off her to satisfy me when she really isn’t in the mood, and we have no regrets or unfulfilled longings.
I also found it was good for the relationship for one of us to take the lead and effectively declare that there is no shame to be felt about sex in general and masturbation in particular. It’s natural, it’s fun and it’s perfectly normal for a man to want to do it (every day if necessary), so why make it private or secret?
So I wank openly to porn, usually in bed, right next to J. If she doesn’t want an orgasm too, I either continue on my own, or she helps me to orgasm by gentle and loving licking and/or kissing and/or stroking. It’s a lovely solution, and we both go to sleep satisfied.
But there is another positive that porn has brought to our relationship in recent months. To be honest, although J has never had any problem with me enjoying porn, she has never really been a fan herself, and hardly watched it over the years. But I told her that it was a shame that I end up watching it on my own, and we should start trying to enjoy it together - as foreplay and as an added factor in the fun. So we have been giving it a try.
And what I have also discovered is that if we shamelessly watch more hardcore porn together, it can be an extra turn-on. The reason for that is hard to explain, but it is something similar to the pleasure of a woman talking dirty. J has never been very good at that, but when she watches filthy porn with me, it makes up for all those times I wished she had had something filthy to say.
So I have to say that porn has been an overwhelmingly positive in our (36-year) marriage, and I haven’t even touched, yet, on how it has given us great ideas. And it has given us both licence to pursue those ‘kinky’ fantasies, by showing us that whatever practice we are thinking of trying, it is not necessarily as ‘kinky’, weird or way-out as we thought.
One of the reasons that J wasn’t into porn - and I guess this will apply to a lot of women - is it often includes a lesbian element, and that is not something she enjoys, fantasies over or would ever do. But when we talked about watching together, I emphasised how much of what I like to watch - group sex, threesomes, hardcore bondage and bi-curious - are (like lesbian sex) also things that we will never do, but that doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy watching other people do them.
I also explained that while porn at its most basic level is simply an unsophisticated wank aid, there is more to it than that, and part of its appeal is its life-enhancing quality. You can choose to watch a violent TV programme or film in which people treat each other cruelly, or you can choose to watch porn in which people are giving themselves immense pleasure - and it makes no sense if you are watching the former openly and the latter in secret.
By watching it in secret and wanking alone, you only endorse the idea that it is wrong and something to be ashamed of. If you did watch porn and wank openly, not only would you enjoy masturbation more, but I also believe that the message that you are sending out - about not being ashamed - will help your partner be less inhibited about sex too, which could have massive benefits.
I still cannot say that J will ever find watching porn a great pleasure (although DP porn, in particular, she finds fascinating!), but she can see how it is enhancing our sex life, as well as providing me with regular and often deep pleasure.
So you can see why I think men who aren’t enjoying porn in the company of their female partners are missing out.
Finally: we have absolutely no secrets in our sex life, and it’s amazing how honesty and openness helps every aspect of your relationship. Frankly, we don’t see how you can build a partnership if any part of it has to be conducted out of sight of the other person.
I know what some people are thinking: their partner disapproves of porn and would never accept it. But surely it’s your choice, and hiding away what you really want from life is not going to solve anything in the long run. And if she really disapproves, perhaps it is time to point out the potential that porn has for bringing you together and making you both happier.
As I said above, there is much to gain by grasping the nettle and admitting you would like a little extra sexual pleasure by using porn, and using it openly. So tell her about it. You may just find it is the path to massive sexual joy.
1 year ago