The Whaleopottamus
I used to be married to a whale of a woman. I now call her the whaleopottamus. We got together when she weighed less than a metric ton. Over the 8 years that we were together, she gained what most cities gain in an eon. I constantly heard her saying a 5 digit number to herself and thought, "That's not our zip code." It turned out she was reminding herself of her weight.
I sometimes looked for her pussy. I couldn't find it. I think it was somewhere under the massive rolls of fat. I thought about fucking her from time to time but was afraid my dick might get stuck or that the corrosive acids that existed in that cavern she called a pussy might at least be as toxic as turpentine and eat the skin off of my dick.
When we met, she had a family, but I never saw them after that. I think she ate them.
I went through the typical routine of often fantasizing about anyone else during sex. Most people fantasize about somebody in particular. For me, it was anyone but my wife. Even some men looked better to me than her. If another man had ever come along while I was fucking that thing that cannot be described with words but only with barnyard noises, I would gladly have said every time, "Sure, go ahead and take over for me. But you may have to strap a board across your ass so you don't fall in."
I honestly had to fake orgasms. I know men "don't do that," that only women do. Bullshit. Men do it, too. We have to from time to time. If we're with someone we're attracted to, of course not, but if we have to fuck someone that has more food stored under one tit than most baked good factories keep on pallets ready for shipment, what else can we do? I later realized that she was the reason Hostess went out of business. They could not make enough food to supply any stores as long as they shipped most of their supply directly to her mouth.
I would sometimes think, "Really? I actually have to fuck her again? Didn't we just have sex a week ago?" I would then reluctantly slide my dick in and know that if I didn't either cum really soon or fake an orgasm, my dick would go limp. After 3 or 4 minutes, I'd say, "Ugh. I came," no real expression, no emphatic exclamations, only the simple, "Ugh. I came."
The response was usually, "Really? Did you really cum," to which I would reply, "Yeah. It was good."
Little did she know that sticking my dick in her was like trying to fuck an elephant. I guess her pussy sometimes almost felt human, but it was always weird, floppity, and cavernous, and her ass, in size, was more like a large flatbed truck hauling oversized farm equipment than it was like anything resembling an ass. I wasn't sure whether or not to fuck her or feed her peanuts.
Usually, even bad sex is better than masturbating, but not so with the whaleopottamus. I would have rather masturbated, completely naked, on a bench at a busy intersection in broad daylight, tweaking my nipples with rusty pliers, while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy than have sex for even 30 seconds with that woman.
She could suck dick better than any porn star, but that was only because she thought dicks were food. She was always trying to suck all of the cream filling out like a Twinkie. Luckily, I always rescued my dick just before she would try to take a bite. I would sometimes return the favor, but getting my head stuck in her "pussy" was never fun. The 1 time that she squirted in my mouth was more than I could take. It was too disgusting to begin to describe. There was no warning. It was like a geyser. And for everyone's information, squirting is not hot, especially when it comes from such a massive b**st. Women and a****ls do not have a special ejaculate other than their normal cum. Squirting is pissing. Women piss into the mouth when they squirt. It's just piss that comes out with force. Ask a medical website. The only consolation was that her squirts tasted slightly like bacon, but that's only because of her being the world's largest pig. Thus, the barn noises mentioned.
Let this be a lesson to all other men. Date and marry only within your own species and only women that weigh less than the house you live in.
I sometimes looked for her pussy. I couldn't find it. I think it was somewhere under the massive rolls of fat. I thought about fucking her from time to time but was afraid my dick might get stuck or that the corrosive acids that existed in that cavern she called a pussy might at least be as toxic as turpentine and eat the skin off of my dick.
When we met, she had a family, but I never saw them after that. I think she ate them.
I went through the typical routine of often fantasizing about anyone else during sex. Most people fantasize about somebody in particular. For me, it was anyone but my wife. Even some men looked better to me than her. If another man had ever come along while I was fucking that thing that cannot be described with words but only with barnyard noises, I would gladly have said every time, "Sure, go ahead and take over for me. But you may have to strap a board across your ass so you don't fall in."
I honestly had to fake orgasms. I know men "don't do that," that only women do. Bullshit. Men do it, too. We have to from time to time. If we're with someone we're attracted to, of course not, but if we have to fuck someone that has more food stored under one tit than most baked good factories keep on pallets ready for shipment, what else can we do? I later realized that she was the reason Hostess went out of business. They could not make enough food to supply any stores as long as they shipped most of their supply directly to her mouth.
I would sometimes think, "Really? I actually have to fuck her again? Didn't we just have sex a week ago?" I would then reluctantly slide my dick in and know that if I didn't either cum really soon or fake an orgasm, my dick would go limp. After 3 or 4 minutes, I'd say, "Ugh. I came," no real expression, no emphatic exclamations, only the simple, "Ugh. I came."
The response was usually, "Really? Did you really cum," to which I would reply, "Yeah. It was good."
Little did she know that sticking my dick in her was like trying to fuck an elephant. I guess her pussy sometimes almost felt human, but it was always weird, floppity, and cavernous, and her ass, in size, was more like a large flatbed truck hauling oversized farm equipment than it was like anything resembling an ass. I wasn't sure whether or not to fuck her or feed her peanuts.
Usually, even bad sex is better than masturbating, but not so with the whaleopottamus. I would have rather masturbated, completely naked, on a bench at a busy intersection in broad daylight, tweaking my nipples with rusty pliers, while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy than have sex for even 30 seconds with that woman.
She could suck dick better than any porn star, but that was only because she thought dicks were food. She was always trying to suck all of the cream filling out like a Twinkie. Luckily, I always rescued my dick just before she would try to take a bite. I would sometimes return the favor, but getting my head stuck in her "pussy" was never fun. The 1 time that she squirted in my mouth was more than I could take. It was too disgusting to begin to describe. There was no warning. It was like a geyser. And for everyone's information, squirting is not hot, especially when it comes from such a massive b**st. Women and a****ls do not have a special ejaculate other than their normal cum. Squirting is pissing. Women piss into the mouth when they squirt. It's just piss that comes out with force. Ask a medical website. The only consolation was that her squirts tasted slightly like bacon, but that's only because of her being the world's largest pig. Thus, the barn noises mentioned.
Let this be a lesson to all other men. Date and marry only within your own species and only women that weigh less than the house you live in.
3 years ago