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Introduction:

Jim learns of Life's hardest lessons.

Author’s note:

I would like to apologize in advance to my readers. In the retelling of this story it sort of took on a life of its own. Normally my tales are fairly brief and concise, this one however seemed only to grow as I put pen to paper. (Figuratively speaking). Since it did turn out to be rather long I have decided to break it down into several smaller portions both for ease in posting and for reader consumption. That said… I hope you enjoy this long winded tale. It is a true story, all of this really did happen.

Life is a tapestry, a cloth woven of many different threads that create the whole. This story is a thread, one of many, contributing to the waft and weave that is the Whole cloth, being Jim.

Being Jim Ch.6 Lessons of Life

By Frodov

This story is based entirely on true experiences from my past. Names and a few details have been changed to provide anonymity for those involved. Discretion is a precious commodity and is becoming rarer and rarer every day.

Sometimes to better understand the “whole”, the big picture in its present state you must pick a thread and follow it back through the weave to earlier times or events, to see the interactions that colored that thread or created it. Often one thread is formed from multiple smaller connected threads, much like the cloth is woven from many threads. But isn’t that life? This story reaches back to my time in college. I was working full time mostly in a part time job delivering pizzas to pay for my gas and insurance to allow me to commute to and from school and home. Remember this all happened before cell phones and the internet, cable TV was still in its infancy. The 80’s big hair bands, big hair, a different time.

-Part Six –

I did, in fact, dream about Michelle that night. It was an odd dream but wow! There were candles everywhere, and music blasting from a stereo. I found myself on a high bed, Michelle’s bed? It was a four poster with gauzy drapes and curtains, shadows danced on the ceiling and the walls. Michelle was dancing, with Penny, and the two of them were singing and having a great time. Maggie was standing in the doorway watching their antics and she looked over at me and smiled. Maggie and Penny were both in their usual robes, Michelle was naked except for a hair band holding her hair back out of her face. As the song Sugar Sugar wound down Michelle had danced over to the bed and was climbing up on it to join me… and then my alarm clock sounded. CRAP! I rolled over with a groan and buried my head under my pillow hoping to go back to my dream but that was just not going to happen. With a sigh I rolled back over and silenced my alarm much to the appreciation of my brother on the other side of the room. I had to get up earlier in order to get my work done before cleaning up and heading to the University after all. All he had to do was roll out of bed dress and eat breakfast before catching his bus to school.

First day of classes as expected was both tedious and uneventful really. The hardest part was first finding the particular classroom or lecture hall where the classes were to meet, then madly scribbling down notes about books and study aides that the professors expected each student to use. Then there was the syllabus for each class… Man! Wouldn’t it be nice to have some way of taking a picture of it all and having it to look back at when you needed to? Oh well, I have my notes.

Much like my first semester, I found the most aggravating part of the day was coming and going from campus itself. Being a student not living on campus I was relegated to parking at the stadium and riding a bus back and forth to campus. And I had to pay for that privilege too, those freakin’ parking stickers were not cheap. Memorizing the schedule for the bus was just another hurdle in my college education experience. Wonderful. By late afternoon when I finally got to Dom’s to get ready for my shift it actually felt like home as much as my work place. At least everything there was familiar. Dinner rush was familiar too as well as the teasing and jibes I got from the girls at the shop, Jules of course being the chief instigator among them. Yeah… home.

Business slowed down to a crawl after dinner rush came and went, I asked for a break so that I could use the phone. I guess my manager had been informed by Jules so she didn’t seem the least bit surprised and told me sure go ahead. Again Sam answered when I called their house. She was actually halfway pleasant this time however so it wasn’t so bad, and in no time Michelle was picking up the phone.

“Hi!” She chirped when she finally got to the phone.

“Hi babe… how were classes?” I asked

“I think they are going to be great! Well… except for chemistry anyway… UGH!” she grumped.

“You don’t like chemistry? I love it! Or at least with a certain squirrely little curly haired girl I know anyway.” I added in a matter of fact kind of voice.



“Squirrely?” Michelle asked incensed then giggled. “Okay, I’ll let that one slide, but you better watch it mister.” She scolded. “Hey, I found out that my chemistry proff actually worked with Penny years ago.” She added.

“You talked to your professor about Penny?” I asked dumbfounded.

“No silly! I told Penny who my professor was and she told me that she knew him and they had worked together.” Michelle explained.



“Oh… okay, that makes more sense I guess.” I admitted. “Wait, why did you call Penny to tell her who your professors were?” I asked again confused.

“Ugh! I didn’t call her to tell her who my professors were I just called to talk and it came up. I call her and Maggie all the time. Girls gotta talk you know.” She said giggling at my lack of understanding. Yeah, girls talk… it seems to be a constant in my life that somehow or another has to be driven home time and time again. “She did wonder how your first day back went, I told her I’d ask you and let her know, maybe Thursday.” She added.

“Why Thursday?” I asked still puzzled. For all my lessons and classes and tutoring, the way women’s minds worked still eluded me.



“Penny asked me to go with her to pick out new carpet for the apartment Thursday since I only have one class in the morning. Maggie has an appointment and can’t go with her. She told me that her school starts back up next week and they wanted to get it picked out and ordered this week.” She explained.

“Oh, okay… that’s cool I guess. I can’t imagine looking at carpet is all that exciting though.” I said dismissively.

“It’s still shopping though!” Michelle said with a giggle. It’s a universal fact, women, most anyway, love to shop. Even for things like new carpet, who knew? Michelle and I spoke for a few more minutes but soon it was time to get off the phone and get busy cleaning up and closing the shop down for the night.

“So when are you moving in with Michelle Jimbo?” Jules asked as she passed me pushing the mop and bucket towards the front of the shop.

“Moving in? What are you talking about? We’ve not talked about anything like that.” I asked wondering if she was just pulling my leg.



“You haven’t?” She shouted back going around the corner. I had to follow her to collect more pans to begin washing anyway. “To hear Sam talk Michelle’s already got plans.” Jules teased giving me another rendition of her trademark smirk.

“I spent one night and now we’re planning on moving in together?” I asked incredulous of the whole idea. “I mean I’d love to see more of Michelle but we’ve not talked about any of that. Hell we’ve only been out a couple or three times…” I said searching my memory for any clues or even hints that Michelle had that idea. “Besides, she already has a roommate and I don’t think Sam would put up with me very long. I’m not even sure she likes me much.” I said as I rounded the corner towards the sink in the back.

Jules brought back another load of pans and screens for the wash a few minutes later and picked right back up on that conversation.

“Sam is a fan you know. First of all you treat Michelle like a princess and Sam appreciates that more than she’ll ever let on, and second, you brought her doughnut holes.” Jules added with a giggle as she went back up front.

“Doughnut holes?” I asked myself out loud as I continued scrubbing pans. “What the hell do doughnut holes have to do with anything?” I wondered.

It was a while later as we were walking to our cars after locking up that Jules made her parting shot for the night.

“You know Sam and Michelle’s house is a three bedroom, right?” She stated more than asked, giving me that lopsided grin of hers. “They had another roommate last year but she moved away so they use it as an office now for studying. Sam’s already considering letting you rent that. You’d have two roommates Jim!” She said with a grin as she got into her car and rolled the window down.



“Jules… I don’t know anything about moving in together…” I said plaintively, almost apologetically really but my mind was in a whirl considering the possibilities all the same. Jules had planted a seed in my mind, an idea, one that I had not even considered until she brought it up. Damn! Women can be evil sometimes! Seeing me lost in thought and knowing what I was thinking about Jules just waved and said good night and drove off leaving me standing there perplexed.

Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty mundane both at school and at Dom’s. I didn’t close either night so I had a few minutes to talk to Michelle each night before driving home to the farm. Both nights I was dying to ask Michelle about this idea of moving in together but I just couldn’t bring myself to broach the subject seemingly out of the blue. I didn’t want to give her the impression that it was my idea or that I was pushing things between us. We did plan on a date Friday however. We were actually going to dinner and a movie… and maybe more but that was only hinted at as two lovers are want to do. To say my spirits were high would be an understatement. I was flying… I was on top of the world. I was head over heels in love with this gorgeous girl. Someone that I could spend hours just looking at, lost in her eyes, but to hold her, and be held by her… And she was in love with me… I was living a dream.

Thursday was my last day of classes for the week, I had two actually. My English Lit class met on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I also had an introduction to Psychology class on Thursday afternoons. It was a trippy class and it was taught by a trippy professor too. I remember the first day of class everyone filed in and found a seat and waited for the professor to show up. About ten minutes after the bell rang one of the guys sitting halfway back in the classroom stood up and walked to the chalkboard. He turned and looked at the whole class, making eye contact with everyone in turn. He smiled and turned to look at the chalkboard… the blank chalkboard… and asked what we all thought of his artwork.

There were a lot of puzzled expressions and questioning looks traded back and forth amongst the class. Was this guy nuts? Who is he? I know, I was one of the ones thinking the same thing but then I had an inkling of an idea. This guy was making a point. Perspective I thought… about that time this guy said the word. Perspective. He went on to say that all of life is a matter of perspective. Each of us views the world form our own perspective and like it or not it is usually unique to us and us alone. It’s when two or more people share a similar perspective that abstracts become more than simply perspective. Whoa… That was deep. I loved it. I could tell that many in the class were not liking this kind of thinking though. I wondered how many would end up dropping the class.

I pondered what the professor had said after class as I made my way via the campus bus system back to the stadium to get my truck, and then on to Dom’s for the dinner rush. I was in a good mood as I collected my bank for change and began making deliveries. Yeah, I was on top of the world… but as I would discover more than once in my lifetime it’s when you’re flying high that life tends to yank the rug out from under you.

I had just come back from making a delivery in the middle of dinner rush when I saw Jules standing by the manager’s desk as I rounded the pizza ovens to make a drop of cash from my last run. I said hey but Jules was distracted. I started to grab another pizza for delivery but my manager asked me to leave it. Puzzled I looked at her and she had a weird expression on her face, of sadness. I thought she might not be feeling well and was about to ask when she averted her eyes and told me I needed to go sit down in the back, that Jules needed to talk to me. Okay now I was really confused. But I shrugged my shoulders and went to the back to the desk where Jules was leaning against the wall with her arms crossed intently studying her feet. On closer examination it looked as if she were upset. In fact, it looked as if Jules had been crying. Surely not, not Jules… crying?

“Jules… hey… what’s up?” I asked perching on the side of the desk near her.

“Jim… put your bank in a bank deposit bag, we can come back later and get you checked out.” Jules said in a very tight voice. Come back later?



“Jules, it’s the middle of the dinner rush I can’t leave now…” I began still confused, this was a weird prank even for her I thought.

“I’m not fucking around Jim, come on, we have to go NOW.” Jules looked up with a steely red eyed look that was not going to take no for an answer. Then she swallowed and averted her eyes again and nearly choked out. “We have to go to the hospital right fucking now!” She sniffed.



“Hey… Jules… what’s wrong?” I said as alarm bells were going off in my mind. What in the world would get Jules upset enough to cry, and we needed to go to the hospital?

“I’ll explain on the way, but we got to go now buddy… quit fucking around and come on already.” She said in a tight voice. So I grabbed an empty bank bag out of the desk and dumped my cash in it and locked it pocketing the key. I started to tell the manager that I needed to take off but she just waved me on and said “Go”. So I followed Jules out to the parking lot but she told me to get in her car, she would drive. Now I was getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Jules pulled off from the parking lot at Dom’s like a bat out of hell. I don’t think there was a traffic rule or law that she didn’t break on that drive to the hospital. I was clutching the dash and holding my seatbelt for dear life. I studied Jules intently on the drive, her eyes were red and she was still shedding tears. Her jaw and bottom lip were trembling as she tried to find the words.



“They were in a wreck Jim…” She gasped and snorted trying to clear the tears from her eyes as she roared through traffic.



“Who was in a wreck?” I asked.

“Penny… and Michelle…” She choked out her lips trembling even more now. “Maggie’s at the hospital.” She added. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach just imploded. The wind completely left my sails and all could think of was getting to the hospital and to Michelle, and Penny… Oh god no.

“How… how bad was it?” I asked fearfully, my own voice shaky even in my own ears.

“I don’t know… bad… I… I don’t know.” Jules choked out swerving to go around a slow moving bus.

We pulled into the emergency room hospital entrance and parked near the doors. Both Jules and I ran to the doors and stopped inside looking for Maggie. We found her arguing with one of the nurses. She was demanding to be let in to see Penny. The nurse was telling her she was not family so she was not allowed. About that time a doctor emerged through the doors and pulled the nurse aside and spoke quietly to her. The nurse looked startled but then nodded and came back over to Maggie. She told her that she could go back to see Penny, seeing me and Jules and how upset we both appeared she nodded to us to accompany her as well. The three of us followed the nurse back to one of the emergency bays. There hooked up to IV’s and a ventilator lay Penny. Her face was almost completely obscured with bloody bandages. One eye was half opened, the other covered with bandages. She saw Maggie and her right hand lifted slowly from her side. A blood stained hand. Maggie grasped it with both of hers and kissed it softly reassuring Penny that she was not alone.

“I’m here Pen… I’m here… it’s okay babe. Just rest now… it’s okay.” Maggie choked out. Penny’s right eye teared up and she closed it tightly in frustration at not being able to say anything. Once more she opened her eye and saw me standing beside Maggie and a look passed over her face that made my blood turn to ice. She tilted her head back and clenched her eye closed tightly in obvious distress. She opened her eye again and stared at me her bottom lip swollen and cut, trembled around the tubes stuck in her mouth and down her throat. In that look she told me how sorry she was and that she loved me. That was when Jules took me by the arm and pulled me away. I stumbled along as if by no will of my own. Jules had spoken quietly with the nurse just outside the door and now she had to tell me the rest of the story.

“Jim…I’m so sorry… she… Michelle… She didn’t make it.” She stood there holding my hands, her own trembling. NO. NO! NO! NO! my brain was screaming.

“That’s not even funny Jules.” I spit out. “What room is she in?” I demanded turning away to find the nurse or a doctor, someone, anyone who could tell me where Michelle was. “Jim! She’s gone… I’m so sorry.” She tried again.

“NO! You’re lying!” I growled, turning away. “Michelle! Michelle!” I shouted turning about looking for anyone to help me find her. I was having trouble seeing for some reason, my eyes were out of focus, everything was blurry. “Michelle! Where are you?” I shouted again. Then someone wrapped their arms around me from behind pinning my arms to my sides. Jules held me tightly, her head pressed to my shoulder as she said she was sorry over and over and over. Then Maggie stepped into my view, standing in front of me. Her eyes were red, those beautiful amber colored eyes looked so sad with tears streaming from them. Her lips were trembling even while twisted in a painful hurt grimace of sadness. Maggie stepped up to me and wrapped her arms around my neck and just held me cheek to cheek. “Noooooo” I cried as my whole world came crashing down in that cold hospital hallway.

I have no recollection of how long I stood there in that hallway, held in that embrace between Jules and Maggie. My mind was gone. When I finally was aware of my surroundings again I was sitting on some institutional bench in that hospital hallway. Maggie was sitting to my right holding one hand and Jules sitting to my left holding my other hand. Both had their heads resting on my shoulders. Both shoulders were wet from their own tears. I felt numb. I felt cold. I felt like I was no longer even in my own body but observing things from several feet away. That’s how I saw it when the doctor came out of Penny’s bay and pulled the curtain back over the doorway. He saw Maggie sitting with Jules and I and came over and squatted down next to her. With a somber face he looked into Maggie’s face apologetically and told her softly that he was sorry but that Miss Ridgeford had succumbed to her injuries. I felt Maggie’s hand clamp down on my own as the realization hit home that Penny, too, was gone. Beside me I heard Jules whimper and dissolve into a silent wracking sob. Her hand went limp in mine. Maybe it was because I was numb with my own grief over Michelle but I had the presence of mind to know that Maggie and Jules needed me as much as I needed them. I had to man up. I had to help them. I raised first Maggie’s hand and kissed it, then Jules’ hand and kissed it as well. I then raised my arms and put one around each of the girls to hold them gently as they both shook with sobs of grief. Jules and Maggie held hands in my lap and each held the hand of the arm I had around them.

Sometime later the same nurse that had tried to bar Maggie from seeing Penny came out of the bay and knelt down in front of Maggie. She laid her hand on Maggie and Jules’ hands and told Maggie and the rest of us how sorry she was for our loss. She said they had removed all the tubes and IV’s and were about ready to transport her body. “Her body…” I heard over and over in my mind… with an ache in the hole where my heart used to be I wondered where they had taken Michelle… her body… The nurse asked us if we wanted a moment with her before they moved her. Maggie couldn’t speak but she nodded yes. So Jules and I walked with her back into that curtained room to see our beloved Penny one last time.

The tubes and IV’s were all gone, someone had cleaned Penny’s face and her one exposed hand of the bloodstains that had been there just a short time ago. The side of her face that was free of bandages looked almost peaceful, as if she were only sleeping. Maggie picked up Penny’s hand and clutched it in both of hers and held it to her heart, her body wracked with silent sobs. I had my left hand on Maggie’s back so I felt every one of those sobs. Jules was standing to Maggie’s left with her right hand around Maggie’s waist. Jules took her left hand and gently brushed a few stray strawberry blonde locks from Penny’s face then leaned down and kissed her forehead with a gentleness I’ve never seen in her before. Her lips quivering as she struggled against the painful emotions that all three of us were dealing with. Maggie reached up with her left hand and touched her fingers gently to Penny’s lips, no doubt remembering the many times she had kissed them and been kissed by them. Maggie pulled back as if collecting her herself and glanced at Jules. Turning to her she wrapped her in her arms and they stood together, each with their face buried in the other’s neck and shoulder, and wept. I stepped up to Penny’s silent still frame and picked up that lifeless immaculately manicured hand, the glossy red polish still looked wet… some small part in my brain noted that it almost looked like blood. I held her hand to my cheek and sobbed like a little girl before kissing the back of her hand one more time and gently laying it beside her. Turning away from the bedside I was once more enveloped in the arms of both Jules and Maggie. Maggie kissing my cheek repeatedly while Jules merely rested her forehead to mine, and we all wept.

In time nurses or orderlies quietly announced their presence, and gently ushered us out of the bay. Taking the hint, the three of us made our way to the waiting room to sit and collect ourselves a bit. Moments after sitting down, together again, people started coming in. People that were looking for Maggie, and Penny, all of them girls, or women I guess. I know now that they were all former students of Maggie and Penny. Word had gotten out that Penny had been in a car accident and everyone who could made their way to be here for her and Maggie for support. I was surprised to see that three of them were ladies I had worked and still worked with at Dom’s. Some seemed familiar, perhaps from school I don’t know, my mind was split like it had never been before. I was seeing and observing things as if I were outside of my own body and experience. My very soul still screamed in agony and shock, my very core was both a raging fire and a cold lifeless dark pit. Many years later I would understand that this was a form of psychotic split. My mind had fractured as it tried to disassociate itself from the pain in a form of denial. Well it must not have been complete because I still felt the pain, the anguish, and the loss.

While Maggie and to a lesser degree Jules were being mobbed by crying friends, I excused myself to find a restroom. I really did have to empty my bladder but that was only an excuse to give the girls and Maggie a little more room. Coming out of the restroom that was somewhat closer to the entrance to the Emergency Room Waiting area I was nearly run over by Sam who came through the doorway. She was nearly blind with reddened eyes and tear stained cheeks.



Sam realized who I was and suddenly I found myself in a desperate clutching bear hug with Sam’s face in my neck and shoulder whispering over and over.

“I’m so sorry Jim… I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry…” she sobbed over and over. I could feel fresh tears running from her cheeks to my neck. I melted into her arms and returned the hug, perhaps with not the same ferocity but I held her tightly until she made to break the embrace. I know I had tears of my own but by this point I was incapable of speech because of the lump in my throat. Sam looked up at me at arm’s length and asked.

“Maggie?” I closed my eyes and nodded my head towards the crowd in the waiting room. Sam squeezed my arms once more and left me to find Maggie… and Jules. I watched at the crowd sensing a new arrival parted and then Sam was standing in front of Maggie. Maggie opened her arms and they too embraced in a sobbing heart wrenching hug. Jules was standing beside them stroking each of their backs. In a few moments, Sam broke away from Maggie and practically leapt into Jules’ arms. Now it was everyone else that surrounded the two of them and were stroking their backs and heads and shoulders, simply touching them lending them their emotional support. It was a tableau that would be forever etched in my memory. For some reason is just seemed to overwhelm me, I had to separate myself from the crowd. Perhaps some part of me didn’t want to share my grief, it was special, like my love of the two women who were just stolen away from my heart and my life. Perhaps some part of me just wanted to run away from the pain and the hurt I was I feeling, such a sense of loss. It couldn’t be real could it? No, this was all just a bad bad dream, a nightmare. Surely I’ll wake up and everything will be fine.

I found myself sitting alone on a bench outside the Emergency Room entrance. People were coming and going but I was oblivious to them and everything else. My eyes were open but I saw nothing but memories, sweet sweet cherished memories, the only things I had left of Penny and my Michelle. God it hurt. I’m not sure how long I had been sitting there or how long Maggie had been with me when her voice drew me back from my sweet reflections.

“She knew Jim…” Maggie repeated again softly, her head resting on my shoulder, her right arm around my back as she was sitting tight to my side. “She knew that Michelle was gone… and when she saw you… it… it broke her heart to know the pain you were feeling.” Maggie sobbed quietly and sniffed repeatedly before she found her voice again. “Penny loved both of you so much… she had such hopes that the two of you would stay together. She said it was a match made in heaven and we got to play guiding angels for the two of you.” Maggie continued. Then she huffed a small laugh and added. “She told me that if Michelle did move on that she would claim you for herself until the next girl claimed you.” Again a small strained laugh and a long long labored inhale. “I told her she would have to fight me for you first.” With this Maggie dissolved into more wracking sobs that were mixed with that sad laughter.

“I would never have let the two of you fight over me…” I choked out, trying to smile but failing miserably. I laid my head over onto Maggie’s, sniffing and sobbing myself as well. “I would have given both of you anything you wanted freely and happily… I was… am… still learning after all.” Sobbing… “Maggie… this is one lesson that I really really don’t like… it hurts too much…” And that was all I could say for more time than I can recollect. We sat there holding hands, head to head sobbing and leaning on one another, taking what strength we could and giving as much back. Silent… enough had been said for the time being.

The events that followed after sitting on that bench with Maggie are still a clouded misty memory at best. I know that at some point someone came and collected Maggie to take care of some paperwork concerning Penny. Jules and Sam came and collected me and took me back to Dom’s. I honestly don’t remember much of any of it. It was all a fog. My first awareness or at least the first clear memory after the fog was my sitting on my tailgate in the parking lot at Dom’s Jules was sitting to my right and Sam was sitting to my left. I had a bottle of Pepsi in my hand, Sam and Jules each had a beer. We were just sitting there holding the bottles, no one was actually drinking anything. There was very little talk either. It was just the being there, together that was important. Sam broke the silence, hesitantly. In almost a reverent whisper, she haltingly explained that she had spoken to the ambulance crew that had responded to the accident. They were still at the hospital doing paperwork while we were there earlier. She happened to know one of the guys on the crew. It was a bad wreck, one of the worst they had ever responded to actually. A drunk driver had run a red light at high speed and his car had t-boned Penny’s car in the intersection, his car struck Penny’s on the passenger side almost bending her car in half. They had had to wait on the fire department to cut the car apart to extract Penny, and Michelle. Michelle had been in the passenger seat, she never stood a chance. They had been shocked when Penny had moaned when they tried to move her. They had thought she was already dead. So the mad rush to the hospital and the emergency room.

My mind had split again, as Sam told the story. Part of my brain hung on every word, wanting to know every last detail because it was important, it was Penny and Michelle… their last fateful moments. The other part of my brain was screaming from the very pit of my soul, again. That silent endless scream of agony, loss and rage… I was angry at the world, at god, at everything that should have prevented this… this… tragedy. Outwardly I appeared calm, almost as if I were sedated somehow. I guess in a way I was. I was numb physically. My eyes burned but I had no more tears to shed as I sat there listening to how the girl I was madly in love with, vanished.



I realized how late it was when the store manager at Dom’s joined us at my tailgate. They had closed up the shop already, it was pushing two in the morning. She brought me another cold bottle of Pepsi and told me how sorry she was. She also said that I didn’t need to worry about working this weekend if I wasn’t up to it, everyone would understand, just let her know when I was ready to come back to work. Jules leaned over and put her head on my shoulder and offered to drive me home if I wanted. I leaned my head onto hers and thanked her but told her that I thought I could manage to drive myself home. She hesitated a bit looking at Sam and then back at me before deciding to take me at my word. Sam had asked to spend the night with Jules as she really didn’t want to go back to her and Michelle’s house alone. Hearing that I thought of Maggie and my heart tore a little bit more. That house would no longer be a home, it would be just a house, a building where love once lived. Taking a deep breath, I hopped down off my tailgate and hugged Jules and Sam and my manager before closing the tailgate and climbing into my truck.



Yeah more lost time. No recollection of the drive home. My next conscious thought was the sound of the screen door from the kitchen to the back porch on the farm squeaking open and my Dad coming out with a cup of coffee and taking a seat in the chair next to mine. We both watched the sun rise over the horizon. I know he must have been studying me and he knew that I was upset, but he let me be the one to speak first… if I could.

“It’s true…” I began in a choked voice. “The sun will come up again despite everything.” I added and sniffed trying not to tear up again as all the things that had happened yesterday flooded my mind and my heart again.

“Bad night?” Dad asked probing softly.

“You could say that…” I barked with an angry pitiful half laugh. Dad just sipped his coffee knowing that I would elaborate when I could. I guess he could see my red swollen eyes and my tear stained cheeks, or maybe it was the look of total loss on my face. No animation, no joy whatsoever. “Dad… She’s gone…” I gasped, and the waterworks began anew. I went on to tell him in my quiet halting words about how I loved Michelle like no other… and how she loved me. But she had died in a car wreck yesterday. She was dead and gone. And to make matters worse so was one of my tutors. She and Michelle had been in the same car when they had been struck by a drunk driver. Both were now dead and gone. My dad just sat there listening patiently, quietly, letting me get it out. When I was done he asked me one more question.

“The last time you spoke with her, was she happy?” He asked softly.

“Yes she was.” I croaked out, my voice failing me once more.

“Remember that Jim. I know it doesn’t help much right now. Nothing else I could tell you would make any of this any better. That’s the nature of loss. But remember the joy. That will be with you forever. Never forget it. Hang on to it. When you think of her, think of the happiness and joy, and your love. Isn’t that how you would want anyone to remember you?” He ended with that simple question. Then he stood up and put his hand on my shoulder for a moment in silent support for his eldest son. “I’ll let your mother know and tell your brother and sisters to let you be today. When you’re ready, go on up to bed and sleep as long as you want. If you want or need to talk later today I’ll be here.” With that my father left me to ponder his words as I sat there watching the early morning begin a new day.

“Remember the Joy” I thought to myself over and over and over that Weekend. I cried when I was alone with my thoughts. When I was around the rest of my family I remained quiet and withdrawn. My brother and sisters weren’t sure what to make of it but they left me alone. My mom, well, she was a mom, she wanted to help her baby boy. It was breaking her heart that I was so hurt. The soft touches, the hugs, waiting on me hand and foot, not that it did much good but she tried to help all the same. “Remember the Joy.” It became a mantra that I clung to like a life line.



Monday morning came around and I still felt like an empty shell but I knew that I had obligations to attend to. I tended the animals as I normally would, I made the trek to the University stadium parking lot and then caught a bus to campus. I made my way to my one Monday class. I might as well have sat outside and stared at a blank wall for all the good it did me though. My mind was gone, or at least it certainly wasn’t in class. Returning to my truck in the stadium parking lot after class I sat behind the wheel and just zoned out. At some point I came to the decision that I had to reach out. I knew that I was not the only one hurting over this tragedy. Of course this also led me to wonder about the arrangements, I knew I had to go to the funerals. I drove myself to Dom’s, my intention was to try to get a hold of Jules or Sam or perhaps call Maggie. Damn it hurt just to think about it… but this wasn’t about me.



My manager was working that afternoon and was happy to see me. The store wasn’t busy so she sat with me at the desk in the back and exchanged small talk. I asked her if she had heard from Jules and she told me that Jules was working that evening and was due in any minute. So we just chatted and passed the time. Jules did come in shortly and she was doing far better than I was from the outward looks of it. But then she was a couple of years older than me and in my mind wiser in the worldly ways. Not saying a word, she just gave me a sad smile and walked over to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders from behind me resting her head against mine. I patted her arms in silent thanks as we held the embrace for maybe longer than needed. When I found my voice I asked her quietly if she had heard anything about arrangements or funerals. She told me that Maggie had asked her to relay to me that she wanted to talk to me when I was up to it. As far as Michelle however she said that Sam was in contact with her parents and would let us know. Jules asked me to hang on a minute and she went up front to use the phone. In a few minutes she came back to the manager’s desk and told me she had just called Maggie. Maggie had asked if I could come by the house to see her. To be honest I had a bolt of cold dread shoot through me at the thought of going to that house, with all the memories it held. But once more I heard the words from my dad echo in my mind… “Remember the joy.” Damn.



I thanked Jules, and gave her another brief hug and told her I’d catch up with her later. I thanked my manager and told her I’d be in touch soon. It wasn’t long before I pulled up in front of Maggie and Penny’s house. I sat in my truck trying to pull myself together and steel myself for the emotional ordeal I was about to endure. Eventually I got out and went to the door and rang the bell. A few moments passed before the door opened and there stood Maggie. She was dressed much like I remembered her in high school years ago. I supposed she had been out today and simply hadn’t changed since she got home. Her eyes were puffy and sad but when she saw me at the door her face broke into a warm if sad smile. She silently ushered me inside and after closing the door she wrapped me in her arms and hugged me fiercely, her face buried in the crook of my neck. No words were uttered just the flood of emotions that passed between us, a shared grief. After some time she released me and pulled back at arm’s length to study my face. Taking my hand she led me up the stairs to the living room and we both sat side by side on the couch. Maggie continued to hold my hand as we sat in silence collecting our thoughts. I looked around thinking about the first day of my “lessons” sitting on this very couch and studying the room. Of course that brought back a flood of memories of Penny, that quirky vivacious woman. A single tear broke loose and ran down my cheek. Maggie reached up with one hand and gently wiped it away before patting my hand held in hers.

“I’m having the same problem darling…” Maggie said softly. “Everywhere I look I see Penny, everything I see reminds me of her… it’s so hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life, losing her.” She admitted. I could feel her pain in her words, it caused me to hurt in a different way. This was pain I understood, I shared it. And those words from my father echoed yet again… I squeezed Maggie’s hand.

“My father said something to me the other day, something that has stuck in my mind even with all this hurt and loss. He told me to ‘Remember the joy.’ At first I thought it was just his way of trying to console me, but I think I see the wisdom behind the words now. It’s hard, especially with so much pain and sorrow but… I want to believe in them.” I said in a broken voice. “To remember the happiness, the love, the joy that Michelle… and Penny… were. They would not want to be remembered as a source of pain or anguish. That’s not who they were. So I keep telling myself over and over… Remember the joy.” I said with a heavy sigh and snorted back another load of tears I felt welling up in my eyes. Maggie’s hands squeezed mine as she silently pondered what I had just said.

“Your father is a wise man Jim, and you are as well. I’ve always known that you were a kind and gentle soul, mature far beyond your years. There are those who would call you an “old soul”, that perhaps you’ve been around this thing called life a few times already. I’m not sure if I believe in that but there are times that explanations like that seem to fit. Penny was another ‘old soul’ I think. That may have been why the two of you clicked right from the start.” Maggie sighed and wiped her eyes before going on. “God this is hard Jim… There’s not going to be a service or a funeral. Penny had told me years ago that she didn’t want people, friends standing around grieving over her when she was gone. She instead wished to be cremated, and if there was to be a gathering then to let it be a celebration… a party…” Maggie gasped… “…to remember the joy… Her exact words.” She said and then fell silent again. A chill ran through me hearing those words, but something else too. There was in some small way a sense of lightening, as if a weight of some sort had lifted from my soul.



“That sounds just like her…” I admitted with a wry grin.

“I’m going to sell the house.” Maggie stated matter of factly. “There’s nothing here for me now. My sister in Florida has asked me to come live with her… I think that’s what I’m going to do.” She added in almost a whisper. “I’ll get you the address and phone so that you can reach me if you want to.” She sounded almost hopeful as she squeezed my hand again.

“I would like that.” I told her. Before I could say anything else the doorbell rang.

“Who could that be?” Maggie asked as she stood to go to answer the door. I stood as well but didn’t follow her to the door. At the landing, Maggie opened the door and I heard a familiar voice, Jules. There were muffled greetings and from what I could hear and imagine tearful hugs as well. I heard the door close and then steps coming up the stairs. Maggie and Jules and Sam.

“Hey…” Said Jules with a half wave of the hand.

“Hi Jim.” Sam said with a sad smile on her face.

“Let’s go to the kitchen and I’ll make some tea.” Maggie addressed to all of us. So we followed her into the kitchen. Sam and I took seats as Jules got cups from the cupboard and spoons while Maggie filled the kettle and put it on the stove to boil before reaching to get the tea bags and sugar.

“I spoke with Michelle’s mom this morning.” Sam began in a subdued voice. The funeral service is going to be Wednesday morning at their church and then another shorter service at the cemetery. She asked me to tell anyone who wanted to know, her friends.” Sam added in a tight voice. This had to be tearing her apart as well I realized. I reached over and took her hand in mine and squeezed it in silent support and understanding. Sam looked up at me her dark brown eyes shining with unspilled tears. It was a somber table as the hot water was poured from the kettle into the tea cups. Spoons clinked as sugar was stirred into the hot brew. I heard more than a couple of sniffs as one or more of us were still trying to fight back tears. Maggie went on to tell Jules and Sam about Penny’s wishes for some sort of celebration in lieu of a more traditional funeral service. A date had not been set yet but we were all invited whenever it was held. Maggie also told Jules and Sam that she would be selling the house before too long and moving to Florida to live with her sister. Once more the table fell silent as we all pondered the future. After a while the memories of the house and Penny and all that had transpired there got too heavy for my heart to bear, I had to leave. I confirmed the time for Michelle’s funeral with Sam and the cemetery of course. Jules and Maggie were holding hands as they both watched me writing down the information as Sam gave it to me. As I stood and pocketed the directions I stepped over to Maggie who was still seated. I bent over and kissed her head and in a choked voice I said softly… “Remember the Joy…” and gripped her shoulder before seeing myself out the front door.

I skipped my classes on Tuesday and asked my mom to iron my only suit that fit, well the pants and shirt anyway. My jacket was far too small to even consider anymore, my dad came through for me though. He loaned me one of his and it wasn’t really too big on me. Wednesday morning I rose early and tended the animals as usual. I shaved and showered mostly on autopilot as my conscious thoughts were far from what I was actually doing. The entire morning I had been steeling myself, preparing for the pain and anguish that I knew I would face head on yet again at Michelle’s funeral. With a sad understanding smile my mom and dad saw me off. I stopped at a florists shop on my way to buy some flowers for Michelle’s grave. The sales lady asked me what I was looking for and in a choked quiet voice I told her what it was for. She suggested instead of a large bouquet perhaps I should get but a single rose… she asked me if the departed was family or a friend. I told her that she was my girlfriend… A look of sadness washed over her face and she told me how sorry she was for me. She picked out a beautiful deep red rose and bound it with a small amount of baby’s breath and some florist’s tape. When I went to pay for it she refused my money and said it was on the house, and again offered her condolences. I thanked her and left to make the final leg of my fateful journey.

At the appointed time I arrived at the cemetery just as the funeral procession was entering the grounds. I waited for the hearse and all the family’s cars to pass by first. I eventually followed and found a parking space from which to walk from. From a distance well away from the family and close friends I watched with a leaden heart as they opened the rear doors of the hearse and withdrew the casket. I knew that it had been a closed casket service earlier, and I watched as they set a glossy framed photograph atop the casket once it was in place at the grave. The family all took seats and everyone gathered in closer as the funeral home attendees set about the flowers and bouquets that others had sent. I leaned bodily against a huge shady oak tree, not trusting myself to be able to remain upright as the priest began the eulogy with a short prayer. The sniffling murmurs of the small crowd as many teary eyes were wiped nearly drowned out the words from the priest, but then I was yards away, unobtrusive, not hiding but not wanting to intrude on this a very family centered event.

After the short eulogy, a woman sang a hymn that I was unfamiliar with but it seemed to comfort some of those in attendance… As she sang people began filing past the family giving their condolences and touching the casket or offering small prayers. Some left flowers on the casket. Soon most of the crowd that was going to approach the casket had done so, the others had drifted off towards their cars or to other grave markers perhaps to visit other loved ones while they were here. I saw a familiar face even if I almost didn’t recognize her because of the dress she was wearing. Sam, she was dressed in a modest black dress with black stockings and some sort of dress sandals with heels. Gone was her ubiquitous ball cap and for once she didn’t have her facial piercings in evidence, just some simple earrings. In her hand she clutched some tissues that had been in use. As she approached the casket I saw a woman in the front row catch Sam’s arm and have her bend down to whisper to her. I noticed that the woman looked my way as did the man sitting next to her. Sam turned my way and saw me then turned back to the woman and nodded and spoke something. The woman looked at me once more then spoke to Sam who again nodded then stood up and turned to walk to the tree where I was still listing against clutching my lone red rose.

“Hi Jim.” Sam smiled sadly as she neared me. “I almost didn’t recognize you dressed in a suit.” She added. I returned her smile with a sad smile as well.

“I could say the same for you bud. Though I must say, you clean up way better than I do.” I said only half teasing her.

“Well remember it cause you’re not likely to ever see me wearing a dress again in this lifetime… but you know I had to for Chelle.” She choked out nearly breaking down but sniffed and stood up a little straighter. She was on a mission after all and had more to say. “Hey Jim, Chelle’s Mom and Dad would like to meet you if you’re up to it. I know it’s really… really hard… but it would mean a lot to them.” She added and her lip began to tremble as her eyes welled up with tears and she began dabbing the damp tissue to her cheeks.

“I don’t know Sam… I’m not sure that would be appropriate… I mean…” I began as I stood up straighter from the tree and fidgeted nervously.

“It’s okay Jim, they don’t know about your spending the night or anything but even if they did it wouldn’t matter I think. This is about Michelle. It’s important Jim, please…” Sam all but begged. I looked into her sad soulful big brown eyes and sighed and nodded. Sam reached out and took my hand and walked with me over to the graveside. As we approached both the woman who I knew for certain now was Michelle’s mother and the man, her father rose from their chairs. He offered his arm and she wrapped her hand in it for support.

“John, Maddy… this is Jim. Jim this is Michelle’s mother and father.” Sam said introducing us. Chelle’s mom looked me up and down in an appraising way that only a mother can do. Noting the obvious red swollen eyes and tear stains on my cheeks, the somber suit and lastly the single red rose I clutched in my hand as if my very life depended on it, judgment was swift and final. Maddy’s eyes softened and she let go of her husband’s arm and embraced me in a fierce hug and sobbed into my chest. I couldn’t speak if I wanted to, I was suddenly blinded by my own tears and I tilted my head up towards the heavens gasping for breath to steady myself but having to struggle to do so. I felt Michelle’s father’s hand on my shoulder as if to steady me. A firm but gentle grasp letting me know that he knew how I felt, as he too was too choked up to speak. After a few moments Maddy steadied herself and released me to just arm’s length to study my face anew.

“So this is the young man that had my baby head over heels in love.” She said as if she were not entirely surprised. “Michelle couldn’t say enough about the boy who swept her off her feet. She went on and on about meeting you in a typing class back in high school but then losing track of you until a couple of months ago. She had planned on bringing you to dinner at our house soon so that we could meet you…” Maddy gushed but then the gravity of the situation rushed back in and her bottom lip began trembling again as her eyes overflowed with tears. Once more she hugged me fiercely and wept openly before pulling me along with her to the casket where she reached out with her right hand and laid it on the polished wooden lid.

Standing there with Michelle’s mother looking at the glossy framed photograph of a smiling girl I loved more than life itself… I knew this was the last time I would ever be this close. This would be goodbye. With a trembling hand I reached out and gently laid my single red rose atop the casket at the base of the framed photograph. Maddy drew her right hand from the casket to cover her mouth and nose as she choked before saying in a voice so soft that it will echo in my heart and mind for the rest of my life…

“Jim… she loved you truly… and I know you loved her… but you must promise me this… no, promise to Michelle… in time you must go on. You must love another. She would want that.” Maddy then laid her hand softly on my forearm before turning to her husband and the two of them slowly walking off towards their car I stood by the casket rooted the very soil that would soon entomb my Michelle. After a few minutes I felt Sam’s arm slip into mine and she gently turned me away from the casket and began walking with me away from the grave. She didn’t say anything but just having her there with me was enough. We walked through the tombstones and the ornamental trees and flowers that bloomed everywhere. Sometime later I guess we were both cried out, again, and we had found our way back to my pick up. I leaned back against the side and Sam leaned back along side of me.

“I heard what she said to you Jim… Maddy…” Sam spoke softly. “It’s true you know? Michelle would have wanted you to go on, to love again someday.” She added with a tight voice. “You know I loved her too, right? But buddy she was nuts over you… I can see why. You’re the real deal bud.” Sam snorted with choked laughter and added. “Hell, even I might give you a whirl and that’s saying a lot!”

“Sam… You would make anyone happy, male or female, don’t sell yourself short… I know better.” I smiled sadly and nudged her with my left elbow. “And Sam… Thanks… I mean it. This has been so hard, and I know it’s been just as hard for you… so… thanks.” I choked out and sniffed determined not to start shedding tears yet again.

“You take care of you bud… Hey… I’ll see you around, right? Don’t be a stranger, okay?” She said with a quivering smile.

“Yeah, sure. You take care too.” I said and pushed off to stand straight but before I could turn to open my truck door. Sam wrapped her arms around me and squeezed hard in a bear hug to rival any I had ever felt before. Feeling the moment was important to her I returned the embrace and held her tight and stroked her short hair on the back of her head and whispered my mantra, the words of wisdom given to me by my father… “Remember the joy.” I felt Sam take in a deep breath and sigh then released her fierce grip on me and parted.

“I will… you do the same.” She said as she turned and walked off towards the parking area and not looking back. I glanced back towards Michelle’s grave site and saw that the attendants were lowering the casket into the grave and my heart lurched once more and I had to swallow a lump in my throat. I opened my truck door and climbed in. I drove away from that hallowed ground, from the final resting place of the girl that changed my heart and life. Too brief was the time we shared but I knew that I would forever have her in my heart and in my mind. She had marked my very soul with her love and personality. When I close my eyes I can still see those breathtaking blue green gems with the tiny golden flecks… looking at me with the purest of love. Perhaps it was the philosopher in me but some part of my brain registered that all of this was but another of Life’s lessons. Good or bad, life will go on. “Remember the joy…”

There was a wake for Penny. It was held at Maggie’s house, many friends and many former students both from school and from Maggie and Penny’s tutoring attended. I made a brief appearance but felt out of place and frankly unsettled by the surroundings, just too many raw memories there in that house. Fond memories to be sure but at present they only brought pain. Maggie had Penny’s remains, her ashes in a porcelain urn, it was light blue, like Penny’s eyes, trimmed in white much like her bedroom décor. There was a framed photograph of a younger smiling Penny waving at the photographer, the joy in her eyes and on her face was evident. Someone had put a pair of Penny’s silk slippers next to the urn. Seeing that I smiled and choked up at the same time. Maggie had come up beside me as I looked at the urn and photo, and saw the slippers. She wrapped one arm around my waist and squeezed gently but said nothing and just laid her head on my shoulder. I reached out and reverently touched the urn as if to wish Penny one last farewell. I think Maggie sensed what I was doing. Before I could draw my hand back however Maggie whispered in my ear.

“Pick up the urn and look on the bottom.” She sighed lightly as if she had been holding her breath. Giving a Maggie a quizzical glance I reached out with both hands and gently picked up the urn and tilted it over to see the bottom. There painted in a fine neat flowing *********** were those words again… “Remember the Joy.” I gave a small gasp. Then looked again to make sure I hadn’t simply imagined it. Nope, it was still there. Smiling, I gently returned the urn to the table top. Turning to Maggie I searched those liquid amber eyes of hers. She merely smiled warmly and blinked slowly and nodded knowing I would understand. Maggie then handed me a post card with an address and phone number on it. She told me that would be where she’d be living before too long and that if I ever traveled to Florida she would appreciate it if I were to visit her. I told her I would. Maggie was soon called off to the other people here for Penny’s celebration. I quietly made my exit and left.

Maggie did sell the house. She moved to Florida to live with her sister, and Penny is still with her. Penny is still with me as well. She will forever be a part of me in my heart and soul, sharing space with Michelle. You might say that they laid the foundations for many who would follow throughout my life. Love does that to you, it changes you, it shapes you, it leaves a mark on your heart and soul. Every person you love becomes part of who you are. Life will run out, we will all pass when our time is up. But the love will go on. All we have to do is remember….

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