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23 Ways To Eat Your Lover

This guide will be difficult, using verbal descriptions only. But the men out there, and a few women, need to know this stuff. How did I learn? I had some very inventive girlfriends, and I had a healthy obsession for prostitutes. I call it healthy, because I was never forced to rape a woman, molest a child, or pick up some diseased woman whom nobody else would touch. Since my looks resemble those of Abe Lincoln, I am not a woman’s first choice for romance. Even with that against me, I slept with more than 350 women. Fifty were one night stands, three were wives, two were year-long girlfriends and one fiancé. Approximately 500,000 dollars worth, were prostitutes. God bless them and the services they provide. I have never treated a prostitute with anything but respect. I believe we should cherish these women and protect them with laws and medicines. They keep your wife and sister from being raped, and your children from being molested. They taught me everything I have learned about sex and I am passing it on to you.

Fortunately, each time I paid for a hooker, I said the same thing. “Teach me something new.” They did, and I listened. So this is not a made-up, imaginary list. Some parts of the techniques may vary, depending on your weight and flexibility. And you may find some downright disgusting. Take what you need and leave the rest. First of all, remember this. Before you visit the dentist, or eat a woman, SHAVE. Five o’clock shadow hurts like a bitch the next day. It hurts inside and out. Never go down on a woman unless you have shaved within an hour. Now that you have my bonifidees, I will get on with it.

Outline: Some descriptions are very similar, with slight variations. I had to throw them all in for your benefit, as a reminder that they exist. There are five main directions in which to eat a pussy. The normal position, the rear position, and the 69 position. A favorite and little-used position is the side attack, usually while laying on the left or right leg. And the side facing position is another option where the woman lies on her side, and kinks her upper leg to allow you access.

And remember something that every unfortunate lesbian knows. Your craving for sex and a woman’s period will never coincide. Imagine how hard it is for two women with periods to get a bite in. Sorry ladies. But you can have limited oral sex during a period. If you disregard a doctor’s advice and are willing to douche during a period, do so immediately before sex and insert a tampon. Warn your partner to stay away from the little white tag. If you won’t douche, and I wouldn’t advise it, put the tampon in first, then douche the outside. Concentrate on the clit, that’s the most important thing anyway.

And one more piece of advice. You may want to read this to your partner. A guy’s hormones are driven by a hard cock. As long as his cock is hard, he will do almost anything. But if he comes and his cock wilts, HE WILL NOT EAT PUSSY. He will stop and apologize, feel bad and look hurt, but for 99 percent of the guys, he will not be able to eat pussy once the hormones are gone. He will feel sick at the thought. This reaction will probably last for about 15 to 30 minutes.

1. Side position with a bowling ball grip: This is by far most women’s favorite position. Use it often. It is a simple and fun position for both parties. The woman must lay on her back with her legs spread wide. You lay across her right or left leg with the main objective being to lick her clit. Wet your thumb and middle finger with a lubricant, either natural or from a bottle. Insert your middle finger into the woman’s ass. Insert your thumb into her pussy. This last step is hard for some people and you may want to use alternate fingers until you feel comfortable.

Now lick the woman’s clit, while shoving your finger and thumb into her orifices. You can push and pull all at once, but will probably prefer to alternate, pushing one finger in while pulling the other out. Resist the urge to use more than one finger.

2. Position 2, same position as 1, opposite leg.

3. Insert one finger into her vagina, circulate your thumb over her clit, suck and lick her tits or kiss her lips or neck. This is especially good afer you have come prematurely.

4. Let’s fall back to the normal method. Facing the woman on your stomach, with her legs spread. Unless you are a lesbian, or your wife has trained you well, you are doing it wrong. Yes, it’s overused and very boring but it doesn’t have to be. If you remember what a woman wants, and do it right, she will enjoy it more. And you will enjoy making her jump like a dog on a leash. Just kidding.

(Do not be too rough. It’s good for you, but bad for her.) Start slow, sniff, blow hot air into her pussy, kiss the area between her pussy and inner thigh, and take your time. The slower you go, the better she will cum.

Lick the area around her pussy, cover the pussy lips well. The area between the pussy and inner thigh is very sensitive. It must be stimulated, but avoid using your tongue. It’s too sensitive for that. You want to make her cum, not giggle and push you away. This goes for the ass cheeks too.

Open her pussy with your thumbs. There are four areas to concentrate on. There is a very sensitive area at the very top of her pussy in the inverted V. Lick this and she will get almost as much thrill as licking her clit. But spend only a small amount of time on each area. Move on to her clit. Push the sheath down with your thumbs or your lips. Stimulate the clit inside with your tongue, or suck it into your mouth repeatedly. You can lick it with your tongue while holding it in your mouth. Now stop and move on. The pee hole is sensitive, but not necessarily the way you want it to be. Don’t spend much time there. Now you have reached the glory hole, the vagina itself. There is not much you can do here, but stick your tongue inside and wiggle it, or let her fuck herself on your tongue, But this hurts after a while. You will feel like your tongue is getting ripped out of your mouth. Get out of there and flick your tongue back and forth through the pussy until you reach the top again, then start with the pussy lips once more. You will continue this until one of two things happen. She gives you further instructions such as “lick my fucking clit,” or you feel she is nearing an orgasm, in which event you would move directly to her clit and finish her off.

5. Position 5 is like 4, forward facing, but use a finger to stimulate her ass.

6. Same position, insert a finger into her pussy. Use two if she asks for more.

7&8. Same positions, but substitute a vibrator for the fingers.

9. Same position, put a butt plug into her ass, use a vibrator on her vagina.

10. Same position, one last time. Use a butt plug in her ass or pussy, use a vibrator on her clit, kiss her breasts, lips, ear, and neck.

Let’s change ends. Let’s go to the 69 position. This is a great position for a guy and a girl, harder for two girls unless the bottom girl’s head is propped up with pillows at just the right angle. Other options are to use the arm of a couch to prop up the bottom girl’s head, and for the top girl to lay across the arm or lay with one leg propped on the back of the couch. It gets uncomfortable too for the top girl in these ways. But most girls know this, so I will speak to the guys again.

11. 69 position. Guy on the bottom. This is a very limited position, but very likeable for the obvious reasons, you are both being satisfied at once. The girl has a great deal of control over your cock. Open her pussy and lick everything, as I explained in paragraph 4. Continue this until she says different, or until you feel your orgasm coming. If you do, you know you can’t eat pussy after you cum, intensify your attack by sucking and tonguing her clit. If she doesn’t cum and you can’t bring yourself to eat her any more, (like most of us), roll her over on her back and use a finger on her clit while you concentrate on kissing her lips, neck, or breasts. I can assure you, she won’t mind.

(Warning. There is one drawback with being on the bottom. Some women are extremely juicy and you may find yourself downing. Once your nose becomes filled with sticky juice, it’s hard to breathe. Roll her over on her back, blow your nose on something, and continue eating.)

12. 69 position. Guy on the top. Preferable for many reasons. Juices will not fill your nose and eyes, and you can use your hands in other regions as explained in later paragraphs. A drawback is that she will have less control over you cock.

13. Same position, but use a finger in her pussy or ass. Have her raise her leg so you can curve your hand around under it. Unless you are extremely gifted and double-jointed you will probably not be able to stimulate both her ass and her pussy at the same time with fingers. If you can, go for it.

14. Same position with a vibrator in pussy or ass or butt plug in ass, vibrator in pussy. I would keep both in stock.

15. This is the last and most exotic way to 69, as you may have read in my stories. I have a wife that is 4'10" tall. I probably would never try this with anybody larger. Sit on the edge of a bed. Have your partner kneel on the bed beside you with her ass facing you. Wrap your arms around her ass and lift her until her shoulders are resting on your legs. Have her wrap her arms around your legs for safety reasons. Move her forward until her mouth is on your cock. Now hold her firmly while eating her pussy. This is the weirdest position you will ever use and the results are unexplainable for your partner. Due to the rushing blood and loss of feeling, it will feel like her pussy is detached from her body, but she will still receive delayed feelings from her pussy. I know, it sounds crazy. It will take her longer to cum this way than normally, so her orgasm will be tremendous, if you can stick with it all the way through. Chances are she will end up on her back and you will be fingering her because you came first.

16. Rear position. This is probably my favorite position when I meet a new women. The first time I meet a woman I like to do her ass. I’m weird, that’s why I write here. Have the woman lay on her face with a pillow under her chest for comfort. If she’s not comfortable, she won’t let you stay in her rear for long. Now spread her legs wide and lay between them. Open her ass and begin licking it. Use the thumb of your right hand on her clit. Lubricate it first in her vagina or with saliva.

17. Similar position, with her abdomen over a pillow you will now have access to her asshole and her pussy. Lick both alternately.

18. Lick ass, use vibrator in pussy.

19. Both kneeling. Have her kneel in front of you, kneel behind her. You can eat her conveniently before you stand on your knees and fuck her like that.

20. Her standing, you kneeling. Have the woman stand with her back against a table or the wall. Have her spread her legs wide and eat her using all the techniques learned in paragraph 4.

21. Have her stand facing the table or wall, eat her ass and use your fingers in her pussy. You can also use a vibrator.

22. Girl laying on her side, facing man with leg kinked. This is ideal for many things, it is good for doing a 69 on a pregnant woman, or in a daisy chain with 3 or more people. This is also good for a fat man as it is difficult for him to eat a pussy while laying on his stomach.

23. Girl laying on her side, facing away from the man with upper leg kinked. This is an ideal position for access to the ass with a finger or vibrator.

There are more, but they resemble the first ones so closely that they are not worth writing. The most interesting method I have ever seen is a girl who could eat herself. If any of you girls can go down on yourself, you can make a million dollars making movies. Ask the Porn Lords.

One note for the old men out there. Haven’t had sex in a while because you can’t get it up. I am a professional writer. I once wrote medical manuals for doctors. There are two ways you can have sex without a hard cock. Oral sex and vibration. Most single old guys have trouble getting oral sex. Vibration may be the answer. Put a sock on your dick, get a back massager and stick it down in your underwear, and you will have an orgasm. It’s a sick subject, so I can’t think of a better place to talk about it, than in here.

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