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Comments from hawthorne
| Date | Story title | Comment |
|---|---|---|
| 2014-03-30 18:18:26 | Revenge Against the Ex-Wife & Step-Daughter #1 | Nice to see you posting your stories again! Love it as much as the first time I read it. |
| 2014-03-21 12:56:57 | Seeing Matt's Stars Part 1 | Love the story SS. However, it looks like you are still self-editing. I hope you at least give yourself a day or two before going back over it, although getting an editor you trust would be a better option. Also, you have a tendency to mush together dialog and description. Dialog changes should always be in a new paragraph. It makes it flow better and is easier for the reader to follow. We have been trained by hundreds of years of history that a change in dialog indicates a change in speaker. (cont) |
| 2014-03-21 12:57:35 | Seeing Matt's Stars Part 1 | Lastly, it isn't immediately clear what is going on in the beginning section. I tend to think that is more due to the format than any issues with the writing. In a novel, having a flashback at the beginning can work due to how a novel is structured. Short stories don't have prologues normally so it looks and feels out of place, despite having pertinent information. And the POV doesn't seem as well defined as it could be. I wasn't sure who's viewpoint I was reading at first. The change in POV doesn't help that, since the rest of the story is all from another character's POV. Not sure how to rectify it, really, but possibly tighten it up, break it up and put parts of it through the rest of the story? Not sure really. I can see it work either way. (cont) |
| 2014-03-21 12:57:53 | Seeing Matt's Stars Part 1 | Now, that all said, I loved the characterization of the principals. You start to get some hints of things going on in Charley's past, and a brief glimpse of Matt's psyche. The description is better than some of your previous stories and I sense a greater depth of conflict in this one. I look forward to seeing how that plays out. It's nice to see you back on the site and to read a new story from you. I look forward to reading the conclusion as well! |
| 2014-03-21 13:06:26 | Seeing Matt's Stars Part 2 | I don't have much more in the way of commentary. Editing again, but I don't want to be pedantic. I felt the flow of conversation was much better in this part, which was nice to see. I am liking the direction of the story, and I am already annoyed at Sam, and seeing that I am responding emotionally to the writing tells me that you are definitely hitting the right notes. My only issue is something you don't have a lot of control over and that is the formatting. I feel like some of this story should have been broken up into two and fleshed out into separate chapters. But it's a small matter. It's drawing me in and that is the highest compliment I can give. |